Got the following “Laws for Golfers” from the latest edition of an E-zine to which I subscribe, Preaching Now, though I’ve not been a preacher in over three years. There are ten more “Laws” for golfers coming next week.
For the record, I tried to enjoy golf, but failed in that endeavor. The first time I ever walked on to a golf course, I was with my father and brothers. Dad decided to take us out and teach us the fine art of landscape utilizing golf clubs instead of the usual landscape tools. I remember finally arriving at the first green … and walking out onto the green with the golf cart in tow. Dad nearly died from embarrassment! He should have told us you don’t carry the cart onto the green … sheesh, how was I to know?
Momentarily, I was hooked. My friend, Cecil, and I started going out to the local school to practice our form and swing and to perfect my ability to hit a ball in any given direction other than straight ahead! I got some shoes. That cute little towel that hangs off the bag. Bought a couple dozen balls. The required glove. Stubby pencils. Some tees and a little gizmo to mark the ball should I ever actually arrive at the green. I found my ball was very, very seldom in the way of anyone else putting toward the cup!
My main purchase, though, was a golf bag to replace the plaid one I inherited from Dad. Talk about one ugly golf bag, but it came with his set of clubs Mom “purchased” with S&H Green Stamps.
Through the years I’ve “played” the game a few times and found the cost of replacing lost golf balls simply wasn’t worth the aggravation of the game, not to mention how it dramatically increased my use of profanity. And I was a preacher! Basically, it was a complete waste of my time … much like elder’s meetings on Monday nights. But I digress. . .
I enjoyed “feel good golf” far more … there is only one rule: If it doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t count. Eventually we gave up even keeping score and just went out and basically made a mockery of the rules of golf. But it was a necessity for us because of certain Laws of golf … the first ten of which are listed below.
Enjoy
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, as it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and eventually a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no golf!
My affection for Golf is right up there with yours. I tried it with my husband, who was a patient and willing teacher….to a point. No new golfer should play very long with someone who shoots half of what they do….It ends up not being fun for either one. Come to think of it that is what made tennis fun for me….there were leagues of people on the same level…and as I got better I got to move up… Cool (you could probably make a sermon application from that if you still preached….I might could make a blog post from it…)
Golf and I wouldn’t work well together, I know, because I’ve never been able to hit a ball less than volleyball size, and that was sometimes “iffy.” I played basketball in high school my freshman year and part of my sophomore year (back then it was half-court ball for girls and I played defense) until I had mononucleosis – which everyone back then called “kissing disease.” I don’t remember kissing anyone (a frog maybe!), but one of the guys from church got it about the same time, so that looked suspicious. ha!
Your adventures in golfing are as funny as the 10 laws, Greg!
Thanks for your post today!! It’s made my morning.
Dee
I LOVE golf! Of course, being Scottish, it is required. If they find out you don’t like it, they come and take away your kilt. And that means you can’t hit from the ladies’ tee anymore. Tragic, really.
my bro loves golf, I’m not a fan of it, esp. after watching the movie
“The Frogs”
I like to watch Caddyshack
I too am clueless when it comes to golf. I would never make a golfer anyway. I was overcome with the heat several years ago while at a picnic. Since then if I get too hot I tend to pass out. Wouldn’t that be fun on a hot day of golfing!
On the other hand, I love bowling, even though I haven’t bowled in years. I was on a league and it was a lot of fun.
I love the Laws of Golf.
Greg, I would have commented earlier, but the last time I got your blog it was entirely in Spanish. I was impressed for about a second until I realized you have no expreience with that language and that it must have been a computer glitch. Anyway, as I said on an earlier posting, I am under the impression that golf is really a conspiracy by the Scots to frustrate the rest of the world.
PS. Apparently I don’t have much EXPERIENCE with English.